BURLINGTON – It has been reported by multiple sources that the Lake Champlain Regional Chamber of Commerce has once again been opened. A sign reading “Enemies of the Heir Beware” was seen outside of the ECHO science center earlier this week, causing distress and confusion in Waterfront Park. Adding to the chaos was a small, wrinkled child wearing only a dishtowel who appeared repeatedly to tourists warning them not to go back to the waterfront.
Burlington police chief Brandon del Pozo does not believe that the recent epidemic of paralysis is at all related to the opening of the Chamber of Commerce, according to sources inside the department. Deputy Chuck Malfoy told the press that it was likely a waterborne parasite that was causing the sudden petrifications. When asked about the giant basilisk seen roaming the bike path, Malfoy said only, “I’m pretty sure that was Champ.”
The Winooski urges all people to use caution, although the only ones petrified so far have been flatlanders.