RUTLAND – Despite campaigns designed to increase voter turnout this Tuesday, officials are concerned that many Vermonters are not planning to vote in their local elections due to Narcissistic Apathy Ailment Affliction (NAAA). These potential voters do not feel individually catered to, and are likely to skip the polls altogether.
“I don’t know if I’ll vote,” said Rutland resident Candy Venne. “I saw the ballot online, and it just looked so, like, corporate, you know? Like, how could they ask me to fill out those soul-crushing circles like I’m taking the SAT or something? A few pictures on the sides might have been a nice touch, like of some flowers, but they can’t even do that! And does it only come in the one color? Ugh.”
Another Rutland resident, Al Bowmee, was worried that no candidate was a good fit for him. “Look, there are five major areas of politics,” Bowmee told our reporter,” money, freedom, guns, women’s bodies, and foreigners. Now take these candidates for Alderman. This guy up here disagrees with me on one of those key issues, this other guy over here disagrees with me on two of ’em. How can I vote for a guy who doesn’t one hundred percent agree with me on everything? It’s kinda morally wrong, don’tcha think?”
In a recent poll taken by The Winooski, 28% of prospective voters would be more likely to vote if the ballots came in “camouflage,” and an astounding 72% of registered voters would be more likely to vote if there were an option provided to adjust a certain number of a candidate’s stated positions. Despite this clear mandate, state and local governments have no plans to add either of these options in time for Tuesday’s elections, and instead are asking voters to choose from one of many pre-selected candidates without any customization options.