WASHINGTON DC – US President Donald Trump has posthumously pardoned a large number of convicted criminals this week, including Burlington, VT born serial killer Ted Bundy, as well as pre-pardoning others who have not yet been charged with crimes. Trump claimed that the FBI is “fake news” and cannot be trusted to handle any matters involving serious crimes, whether they happened in the past, are currently happening, or will soon happen but he has “no knowledge of anything of this nature, but if I did, the FBI would be wrong and I would be right.”
The list of people Trump pardoned also includes Jeffrey Dahmer, David Koresh, any and members of both the KKK and the NRA, Osama Bin Laden, H.H. Holmes, Vladimir Putin, and Benedict Arnold. Trump claimed to have special knowledge of all of these cases, relating them to the number of electoral votes that he won, specifically in Wisconsin, and which range in number from 302 to 573 depending on the paragraph.
“I’m a smart guy,” Trump said the press conference at which he announced the pardons. “You look like a smart guy, so you already know how smart I am. Not as smart as me, obviously, but you look smart. And I’m smart. Probably the smartest president in history. So I think I know a little more about these cases than the FBI, who spend all day making up lies for fake cases that they are working on. I mean, I think I would know if I was committing treason, am I right? Exactly. And I’m not their only target. Yeah, we won big with the electoral college. Yeah, I got more votes than every other elected president in history combined, which you won’t hear on CNN by the way, but I’m not their only target.”
Trump went on to list the names of the people he had pardoned, mispronouncing several, and then declaring, “That’s how they’re pronounced now. Believe me, I know.” He then announced plans to tear down the statue of Samuel de Champlain located on the Champlain College campus and replaced it with a statue of “Ted Bundy: American Hero.”