Unforgivable: Celebrity Revealed to Be Flawed Human Being Who Made Mistake

DOVER – Yet another famous person has been ostracized from public life today as it was revealed that they made some sort of error of judgement, rendering them unfit to entertain the pure and pious American public. A tweet from 1986 reveals that this celebrity once made a tasteless joke for which their apology was deemed “not good enough” by the Supreme Court of Public Opinion.

To further compound the situation, video has surfaced of the celebrity in a private moment saying something possibly racist/sexist/transphobic/mean to a loved one in jest. This has resulted in the loss of all employment, income, and future income, which is only right for anyone horrible enough to say something unkind behind someone’s back, which we would never do.

Despite protests that the offenses were “mistakes” and “poor attempts at humor,” no one is willing to give any second chances. “If that’s humor, I’m not laughing,” said one online comment. “People who tell jokes like that ought to be rounded up and put in their own special place where they can live with other monsters who think stuff like that is funny.”

The online commenter, revealed through an extensive internet search to be Christian Carpenter of Dover, VT, has now been accused of intolerance and making veiled references to the holocaust, internment camps, and the leper colonies frequented by Jesus. Carpenter has been fired from his job at Green Mountain Interiors after a public outcry demanding his head on a platter.

UPDATE: Those demanding heads on platters have been accused of insensitivity towards the victims of decapitation and are currently being hunted down in the streets like the dogs they are.

UPDATE: The Winooski sincerely apologizes for our comparison between internet commenters and dogs. We love dogs, are aware that they all go to heaven, and would never intentionally disparage the canine population that we all love so well. Those responsible for the dogs comment have been fired. We will try to do better. Please stop hating us.

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