PUNXSUTAWNEY – A scene of chaos, terror, and confusion unfolded in a small Pennsylvania town this morning after a local celebrity rodent failed to see his shadow in clear daylight. Their annual ceremony was going as planned, with the officiant holding the groundhog aloft and reading out the pre-written doggerel, when one member of the crowd shouted out that there was no shadow.
“Yeah, I yelled it,” says local resident Bella Gosey. “He was up there talking, like ‘My shadow I have seen! Spring it will be!’ or some s*** like that, when I look down and I don’t see no shadow. Like, anywhere. And everybody else got a shadow. So I scream out ‘Phil ain’t got no shadow!’ And that’s when all hell breaks loose. Literally.”
After the scream from the crowd, the officiant can be seen on video looking at the ground quickly, and then dropping the animal immediately before running off the stage. The startled rodent was then seen staring at the crowd with with eyes before leaping forward into the audience. Pandemonium ensued as the large gathering attempted to flee what is now assumed to be some sort of unholy demon. Police have reported five injuries, none of them life-threatening or groundhog related.
The town officials acted quickly, hiring a team of vampire hunters to track and potentially kill the monster, although they now face pushback from residents who claim that vampires don’t have reflections, which has nothing to do with shadows. The town however is insisting that vampires cast neither reflections nor shadows, and they are standing by their decision. There is also some debate as to whether or not vampires can be out in direct sunlight at all, although several people claim to have seen the monster sparkle.
Townspeople are encouraged to stay indoors, wear garlic, and refrain from inviting any unknown fuzzy mammals into their homes.