Zoning Committee Warns “Building Sidewalks Leads to Building Skyscrapers”

FAIRFIELD – The zoning committee in Fairfield has issued a dire warning to rural communities across the state, claiming that once they begin building sidewalks in their towns it will quickly lead to over-development and the end of life as they know it. Concerns had arisen over a proposal to add a sidewalk for safer and easier pedestrian travel in the town, but research was brought forward showing that if the sidewalk was approved, a skyscraper would statistically be built within the next three years.

“Is this who we are now?!” shouted one committee member. “A pedestrian kinda place? I didn’t grow up with pedestrians walkin’ around like they owned the roads, and my kids sure as heck ain’t gonna grow up that way either!”

“How many living things are going to have to die if we approve this?” asked another member. “How many trees will be lost? How many blades of grass? The planet is dying fast enough as it is. We don’t need to help it along with this path of death!”

After the committee voted down the sidewalk, they issued a press release, urging other communities to do the same in their own zoning committee meetings. “First it will be sidewalks, and then suddenly you’ve got little Burlingtons all over the state. This is Vermont, not Burlington. Nobody needs any more Burlington. And once our communities relax their zoning laws for sidewalks, the developers will come in with their lawyers looking for loopholes to build their Trump Towers all over the state. We have to stop this now, before it starts.”

The Trump Organization expressed concern over the decision, immediately filing paperwork to begin building several skyscrapers across the state. “It’s time,” said the president. “It’s going to be great. Vermont is the last state in the country without real architecture and I know how to get things done.” The press release issued by the White House said that plans are to locate the first tower in the geographic center of the state “for symbolic reasons.” Preliminary design and engineering plans show one solar panel on the roof, a golden sculpture of a maple tree, and a separate, oversized elevator for cows.

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