SOUTH CANADA – The already crowded field of potential Democratic nominees has gained yet another contender, as South Canadian president Charlene “Skunk” Bedard has thrown her hat into the ring and declared her candidacy. This move came as a surprise, even to her closest advisers, as many believe that US citizenship is a requirement when running for US president.
Bedard addressed those concerns as soon as the announcement was made, and assured people that she is eligible to run.
“You see this right here?” Bedard shouted, holding up a small card. “This here’s my Vermont driver’s license. And it don’t expire until next year on my birthday. So the way I see it, I got dual citizenship until then. No reason I can’t be president of two countries. Plus I already won more legitimate elections than Donald Trump, so I feel good about my chances.”
Dr. Constance Eusion, a US election expert and professor of political science at The George Washington University in Washington, D.C., says there is potential confusion surrounding Bedard’s eligibility to run. “Honestly, it’s completely unclear whether South Canada successfully seceded or not. Our founding fathers didn’t create a clear system for a small town to leave the United States, and so, legally, she may still be able to claim US citizenship, no matter what the current President tweeted about it.”
South Canadians are mixed on the news, but generally seem unconcerned.
“I think this would be great for both nations,” said South Canadian House Speaker Madison James. “Perhaps we can see unity once again, if Skunk can bring the two countries together under South Canadian rule and repair the fractured divide that has separated us since the secession.”
“You know, this could be good,” said Alan Fletcher, South Canada’s Treasury Secretary. “Maybe she’ll release her tax returns. I haven’t wanted to say anything, but there are some large piles of dirt in her yard that I don’t know are accounted for, and I’d love to get a look at those returns. I’m technically supposed to have access to them anyway, but she won’t let me see them. She says they’re fine, and to trust her, but if they were made public, well, it would be a load off of my mind.”
Bedard says she will stick with her old running mate and current VP Stephen Hebert, but is not planning to continue using her old campaign slogan, “Get Drunk with the Skunk.” She has instead released online marketing materials that use the new tagline: “You Need a Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin’ Skunk.”