MONTPELIER – A state of emergency has been declared by Vermont Governor Phil Scott, who says that dire weather patterns have left many Vermonters unable to mow their lawns. The constant cloud cover and high sogginess of the state’s lawn masses are creating dangerous habitats all across Vermont, where disease-ridden ticks and mosquitoes are thriving.
FEMA responded to the emergency by sending in dozens of heavy duty mowers manned by National Guard recruits from states as far away as Massachusetts, but even these high-tech military machines were unable to completely mitigate the problem. As of Monday, all but two of the M-35 Stealth Mowers were bogged down in mud and unable to function. The price of the failed operation is estimated to be disastrously high, with some sources reporting that it will cost taxpayers up to one sixth of the current Mar-a-lago budget for the year.
With the mowers down, FEMA has turned to importing sheep and goats to try and stem the rising tide of rising stems and weeds. Partnering with international humanitarian relief organization Grazers Without Borders, FEMA has brought more than 600 animals into Vermont in the past few days, with up to one thousand more expected by Friday. Some Vermont residents seemed taken aback at suddenly seeing sheep munching on their lawns, while others wondered why it took so long to ship the sheep in the first place.
“I looked out my window and saw the sheep, and I thought, well it’s about time,” said Barre resident Lana-Lynn Agneau. “I called the governor’s office myself the other day, and I told him my grass ain’t cuttin’ itself. We had one frickin’ sunny day, but the ground was so wet that I sure as hell couldn’t cut nothin’.”
State and national leaders are advising Vermonters to be patient, as there are hundreds of thousands of lawns to be eaten. They also ask that, if you see a sheep or goat on your property, that you leave it alone while it works.
“We just want to stress,” FEMA said in a statement, “that these are trained service animals doing their jobs. They are not for petting, chasing, or eating.”