Majority of Vermont Rezoned as Retirement Community

MONTPELIER – After much research and deliberation, the Vermont state government has agreed to rezone most of the state as a retirement community. With the exception of Chittenden County, all other towns, cities, counties, gores, and unincorporated municipalities will now gain the benefits of being officially labeled as “designated for senior living.” The moves comes after some residents were unable to get the help they needed from younger neighbors.

“This is the right decision,” said attorney Nona G. Naryan, who argued the case in favor of the new designation. “When older and aging residents live together by themselves for long periods of time without younger residents to take over some of the more physically strenuous tasks involved in running a community, that’s when government aid and assistance is required. Now, by law, all Vermonters will get the help they need to live their lives.”

Evidence was presented showing the trending average ages of Vermont’s residential areas, and statistical data showed that, while young people were around for short periods of time, it was generally not a permanent situation. Vermont’s median age is 42.7, a full five years older than the national average, but when Chittenden County was removed from the data, every single other Vermont community was, on average, eligible to join AARP.

“I fully support this measure,” said Vermont Governor Phil Scott, after the decision was announced. “This is going to be a much cheaper way to lure young people up here than my other plan. Now the feds are going to pay for nurses and aides for almost everyone in the state. I estimate our population is going to increase by 50% in the next year alone, and they’ll all be young medical professionals.”

Governor Scott assured reporters that, when the new young people arrive, the senior designation will not be in jeopardy. “Legally, if they’re here as live-in aides, they don’t count in terms of the retirement community requirements!” Vermonters should expect to see their new benefits begin sometime in 2023, once the federal government has finished paying off this year’s July 4th celebration.

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