Montpelier Police Detain “Armed” Man

MONTPELIER – In the wake of the Capitol Complex in Montpelier experiencing a lockdown because an “armed man” was seen entering a State Building, local pedestrian Lenny Armstrong is suing the state police for unlawful arrest and failure to recognize an actual criminal.

Armstrong, a white male born with three arms, claims officer Will Ketch detained him unlawfully. “He said, ‘We’re looking for an armed man.’ As soon as he noticed I had three hands, he cuffed all my wrists and shoved me into a squad car.”

“This is a clear case of singling out a disabled person,” said Andy Capp, director of Disabled People United (DPU).

Already, lawn signs reading I AM HAND IN HAND IN HAND WITH ARMSTRONG have multiplied around the golden dome and on nearly every green space in the capitol city. Armstrong complained, “Everyone around here used to ignore my three arms. Now people are using my case to make bad puns, and DPU is using my case to further its political agenda.”

Armstrong’s attorney, Justus Innocente, who identifies as Hispanic, said, “I warned my client that proceeding with this suit might render him the butt of tasteless jokes and identity politics, but he didn’t believe me.”

Armstrong side-eyed someone carrying a sign saying THREE CHEERS FOR LENNY. “All I wanted to do was alert the public to Ketch’s inappropriate treatment of me. When did things get so out of hand with everyone up in arms?”

Attorney Innocente restrained us here at The Winooski from pointing out Lenny’s obvious puns. Ketch, meanwhile, remains on unpaid leave, pending investigation.

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