ESSEX JUNCTION – Once thought to be completely eradicated, authorities are reporting six cases of Disco Fever in Essex Junction over the past month, the highest number of recorded cases in Vermont since the 1970’s. Disco Fever is a rarely fatal affliction that most often strikes the young and the ridiculous, with symptoms ranging from night fevers and jive talking, to excessive boogies and convulsions of the groove thing.
The recent outbreak is being blamed on low disco vaccination rates, and five of the six cases happened in families who have children attending the RingBell School, an alternative 5-12 private school with lower vaccination rates in general. The sixth case was first reported at the YMCA, although the student was confirmed to have had contact with at least one of the other afflicted patients.
Dr. Love, who runs the rare disease clinic at the UVM Medical Center, insists that, for most Vermonters, stayin’ alive will be no problem, as the vaccine has a 93% effectiveness rate, but also warns that, for those who are not vaccinated, Disco Fever is quite contagious and its symptoms can persist well into adulthood.
“It just sucks, you know?” one of the victims told The Winooski. We are not releasing their name because they are under 18. “Like, walking into school like that, all of your friends staring at you because you’ve got this, like, chain around your neck now. A big gold one. And you keep saying ‘Yowza, yowza, yowsa,” uncontrollably. It’s embarrassing. And you can’t stop till you get enough. You have to do it till you’re satisfied. But the doctors say I will survive.”
The victim’s mother confirmed that her child’s social status has suffered, but says that all six of the afflicted are finding comfort in suffering together. “Oh yeah, they haven’t found a cure, but all six of them are hanging out now. I think it’s good for them. They’re over here all the time, actually, and I think of them all like my sons and daughters. We are family.”
Dr. Love’s traveling salvation show should do the trick. You can tell by the way he uses his walk, he’s a woman’s man, no time to talk, but you’ll soon realize how deep is your love. I found it helps if I put on my my my my boogie shoes. Go to the ER immediately if you have Saturday night fever.
“John Travolta” I can understand, but I didn’t think “The Winooski” had enough staff old enough to dredge up so many ’70s references. What’s Goin’ On?