Number of Tainted Halloween Candy Incidents More Than Triples This Year to Still Zero

WINOOSKI – With zero reports of tainted Halloween trick-or-treats this year, parents are concerned, as this is ten times last year’s number of zero. In fact, incidents have been rising exponentially since the 1970’s, with a rise each year of two to ten times the number of poisoned or injured children.

“This is horrifying,” said Winooski parent Helen Cupper, pointing to a chart filled with zeroes. “Look at this data. Just in the past ten years, the number of our friends and neighbors trying to murder our children has gone up by 1000%. It’s simple math.”

Children this year were driven by their parents from house to house, stopping only at trusted homes, and having candy inspected before being allowed to consume any. Police and hospitals set up “candy scanners,” using metal detectors and x-ray machines to look for evidence that the treats had, for the billionth time, not been tampered with.

“You can’t be too careful,” said concerned parent Wilma Kideye. “How well do we really know anyone, when you think about it. I mean, I trust my parents normally, and would allow my children to eat anything they made, but on Halloween? And my Mom just hands the kids these cupcakes she spent all day decorating? Those went right in the trash. I’ve known my mother for almost 36 years, but people’s moms go crazy all the time. I saw it on the news. You can’t take chances when it comes to safety.”

Some parents recalled the happier days of their youth, when neighbors knew each other by name and handed out healthier homemade treats on Halloween, such as popcorn balls and caramel apples, although they admitted that they were unaware at the time just how many of them were filled with razor blades and poison.

“Yeah, turns out there were up to zero razor blades and drugs in those treats,” says Justin Nick O’Thyme. “We really dodged a bullet when that lady made up that story in the New York Times. Otherwise we would have continued to trust the people closest to us. And actually, yeah, I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. I do know most of my neighbors. But it’s always the nice quiet ones that suddenly start murdering children in October. I watch TV.”

A spokesman for the Hershey’s chocolate company confirmed that no candy had ever been tainted, however they still encourage families to “be safe,” and only purchase pre-wrapped candy filled with corn syrup and preservatives at jacked-up prices, “just in case.”

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