New England Applies for Federal Disaster Relief Funds After Patriots Knocked Out

BOSTON – The six states that make up New England, two or three of which you might have heard of, have jointly applied to the federal government for disaster relief funds after declaring a state of emergency following the Patriots’ loss on Sunday. Citing the unprecedented event as “the worst thing happening in our country right now,” the states are hoping for help from other communities to battle the severe depression and/or rage that has taken over the northeast.

Local emergencies services have been overwhelmed, as the entire cities of Medford, Chelsea, and revere have been put on suicide watch. 911 services are down and the Massachusetts governor has set up a crisis hotline for white Bostonians who are in mourning.

Psychologists are warning of the long-term effects this loss could have on residents, as well as the economy. Hoodie sales have plummeted and the Union Oyster House is reporting a sudden economic downturn. This will hopefully be offset by the sudden increase in alcohol and tobacco sales, but economists are unsure if this will be enough to stave off a local depression.

“It’s crazy out heah,” said one Southie resident, who was running by with a Molotov Cocktail in hand. ” Cahs ovahtuhned, fi-ahz all ovah da fackin place. We need some lawranohdeh!”

To help maintain some stability, Gov. Baker has temporarily banned country music, Beverly Hillbillies re-runs, and anything else that might make people think of Tennessee, including plays by Tennessee Williams, and any songs by Arrested Development.

“I certainly wish everyone the best,” said Tom Brady from his yacht in the Bahamas.

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