Burlington Free Press Sees Sudden Spike in Print Subscriptions

BURLINGTON – Local newspaper Burlington Free Press is struggling to understand what has caused the recent jump in print subscriptions, vs. online only readership. Subscriptions to the physical edition, printed on newsprint, have been on the decline for years now, but this week sales have jumped significantly.

Management is very happy with the new development, and they asked their research department to find out what factors are increasing readership, so they can build on that. Unfortunately their research department staff are all currently self-quarantined in their homes and working remotely. With their investigations unable to continue, The Winooski went out in search on answers.

Most doors around the community were locked, with residents suspiciously crouched beneath windows clutching cans of Lysol spray, but with the first actual interview or a new subscriber, the cause began to be clear. Esmerelda Smith-Johnson, one of the new readers, told our interviewer, “When I found out that all the toilet paper was gone from the stores, well, I remembered stories my grandparents told me about bringing the Sears catalog to the outhouse….”

Sears recently closed its local store, and was unavailable for comment.

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3 Comments

  1. Another explanation may be that everyone read your article about the first case of online transmission of Covid-19 and, not realizing it was satire, feared that reading the newspaper online would lead to catching the flu. By the way, can you mail me paper copies of The Winooski from now on?

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