Governor to Ease Restrictions and Once Again Allow 2-Ply

MONTPELIER – At his Monday news conference Governor Scott presented more encouraging news. The toilet paper famine has started to shrink. He was quoted as saying, “as the spigots open, we can start flushing again with less concern.” The enforcement of the one ply rule will be suspended.

More and more grocery stores are resupplied with toilet paper. The general purchasing curve which hit its height in early March has now diminished and intersected with the upward trend of available toilet paper on store shelves. Graphs and a town by town breakdown of usage are available on the Vermont website at www.VTGOV/TP.gov

Governor Scott reported that average purchases are down from 20 rolls a day to 2 rolls a day per shopper. Extrapolating from this, use of each roll is down from a roll a day to a roll every three days. With employees returning to work and with better toilet habits taking hold, purchase quotas may become unnecessary. “The curve has flattened and declined. We can roll on with better hygiene,” indicated Dr. Levine at the news conference.

Burlington’s Mayor Miro Weinberger joined via zoom and praised vandals for bombarding the City with graffiti instead of toilet papering homes. “Graffiti has a certain artistry and papering homes should be left to Halloween when hopefully this crisis has passed.

The Governor expects further initiatives to reduce the demand for toilet paper when a second wave of the COVID 19 invades Vermont. This includes educational material distributed in pharmacies, grocery stores and the web about how to promote regularity; the emphasis on eating bananas and rice; and the reduction of food in the supply chain that has a tendency to promote diarrhea. Free services will be offered to diagnosis those with lactose intolerance. Elective colonoscopies are suspended for the foreseeable future.

Once plumbers are allowed in homes for non-emergency services, they will be able to install the 50,000 Japanese toilets that were purchased by the State and recently arrived from Tokyo on a Vermont National Guard air transport.

In addition, to ensure that industry is supplied with toilet paper as their work force returns, employers will be required to examine all employee bags and knapsacks when workers depart from work. Any toilet paper rolls that employees have tried to remove will be confiscated and the employee immediately fired. These employees will not be eligible for unemployment pursuant to special state directive 8.6.65943 as revised.

Praised during the press conference were the state workers who have tirelessly worked to save the state from the toilet paper run. In addition, volunteer groups who sampled special diets to find one that would be best to recommend for citizen’s in order to cut what is now famously referred to as t.p.c. (“toilet paper consumption”).

Governor Scott has denied favoritism in the state’s decision to award a contract for delivery of two tons of one ply toilet paper rolls to Scott Paper vs. Procter and Gamble (the owner of Charmin toilet paper). The purchase is intended as an emergency supply of toilet paper to be held in reserve if there is a future shortfall. The contract was issued under an emergency order notwithstanding the legislature’s demand that this purchase be approved by the State House and Senate.

“I have no relationship with Scott Paper and have not and will not accept any campaign contributions from it. I have no comment as to which type of toilet paper I have at home and how many rolls I have in my pantry. It is essential for public officials to maintain some semblance of privacy during these troubled times.”

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