The Winooski

The Winooski

Locally Sourced Organic Vermont Satire

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Articles by Jill Allen

State Unveils New Employment Partnership with Mafia Called “Vermobsters”

September 20, 2018 Jill Allen 1

MONTPELIER – The State of Vermont unveiled a joint employment partnership with the Mafia this week called “Vermobsters.” Gov. Phil Scott held a joint press conference […]

Vermont Girl Trapped in Store after Maplefields Runs Out of Jeezum Scarecrows

September 12, 2018 Jill Allen 0

ENOSBURG FALLS – With sightings of the troublesome jeezum crows increasing, some store are running out of protective measures against the obnoxious corvids. On Tuesday […]

Letter to the Editor of The Winooski From the Merpeople of Lake Champlain

September 7, 2018 Jill Allen 2

Late Wednesday evening, human Burlingtonian and fan of The Winooski Ethel Merman discovered a notice scrawled on a piece of driftwood from our heretofore unknown ichthyoid […]

Vermont Bird Watchers Discover New Type of Bird, Dubbed the “Jeezum Crow”

September 3, 2018 Jill Allen 2

ADDISON – State ornithologist Robin Redd preempted local access television programming across the state yesterday to confirm what many Vermont natives have long suspected: that […]

Crop Circles in the Shape of Ethan Allen Appear in Sheldon Fields

August 27, 2018 Jill Allen 0

SHELDON – You don’t need to go to the English countryside to see crop circles anymore. Now you can see them right here in Vermont, […]

Celestial Bovine Seen Over Local Milk Producer’s Land

August 23, 2018 Jill Allen 0

SHELDON – “I knew right away it was a holy cow, when I first saw it shining over there a month ago!” enthused Ima Steer […]

Local Farm Unveils Holstein Freezing Technology for Fresher Milk

August 11, 2018 Jill Allen 2

SHELDON – Looking to Vermont’s electoral primary on Tuesday, August 14, a local cow juice producer sees an opportunity to boost sagging sales and promote […]

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