MONTPELIER – Vermont, in an effort to Make Itself Great Again, has closed its borders. No, not the one to Canada. \u201cThose guys are great\u201d says Governor Scott, \u201cCanadians are lovely. Fine folks, we\u2019re glad to have \u2018em. It\u2019s all those Flatlanders we\u2019re worried about.\u201d As of Tuesday, Vermont has closed its New York, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts borders.<\/p>\n
Worried about uncontrolled immigration from \u201cless desirable” states, Vermont is cracking down on who they let in to their wonderful state. \u201cWe can\u2019t just have open borders. That\u2019s impossible. Think of who could come in!\u201d said a concerned-looking Gov. Scott as he bear-hugged a Vermont flag. Slightly calmer, he continued, \u201cWhen other states send their people, they\u2019re not sending their best\u2026They\u2019re sending people that have lots of problems, and they\u2019re bringing those problems to us. They\u2019re bringing drugs. They\u2019re bringing crime. They\u2019re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve noticed that people want to live with their families, which is RIDICULOUS. No more chain migration. If your relatives were lucky enough to negotiate our labyrinthine immigration and naturalization bureaucracy, you\u2019re not going to be able to follow them to Vermont to be a drain on our economy. You\u2019re just going to have to stay in your garbage [actual word redacted] state.\u201d<\/p>\n
Some are growing increasingly alarmed at the behavior of VBP (Vermont Border Patrol) and MICE (Maple Immigration and Customs Enforcement)\u2014slashing and destroying supply caches for desperate migrants from Maryland and Nebraska traveling across the frigid Vermont terrain. \u201cWe\u2019ve seen jackets slashed to shreds, and mittens painstakingly unraveled\u2014we\u2019ve got video footage of VBP officers destroying caches and leaving thousands of yards of yarn tangled in sugarbushes.\u201d said Hanna Renaud, Executive Director of \u201cOpen Vermont\u201d the non-profit responsible for the majority of these humanitarian “cozy drops.”<\/p>\n
Vermont, which used to have a lottery system for citizenship, is replacing that lottery with a \u201cmerit-based\u201d system. \u201cWe\u2019re looking for people with the skills we need to Make Vermont Great Again. If your application has the word \u201cArtisan\u201d somewhere in it, you\u2019re practically guaranteed a spot in our Great State.\u201d<\/p>\n
Asked about economic and war refugees from other countries, Gov. Scott looked surprised, \u201cWhat? Oh, of course we\u2019d let those people in. We\u2019re not monsters.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"