BRATTLEBORO – It’s hard to survive as a vagrant in Vermont, and no one knows that better than Vermont’s strays.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“After a gang of feral felines attacked Fluffy and threatened my life if I refused to give them my pet’s Kitty Krisps, I called up my friends from all over the state to see if they were experiencing similar attacks,” said Pete Pettinger of Derby Line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pettinger’s cousin, Big Pete, editor of The Brattleboro Reformer, verified, “Our town’s been nicknamed Cat-Will-Burrow, after Puss and Boots and friends have dug their way into, and robbed, nearly every pet store in town.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Citizens have been caterwauling as improvised towns consisting of cat trees and scratching posts have sprung up across the state. “I’m afraid to leave my house,” and “I scream whenever I see an unknown pet,” have become the refrains of scaredy-cats statewide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A meeting of state animal control officials descended into chaos when the humans were surrounded by a thousand strays who hissed, “People are the reason we can’t have nice things!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Shocked shopowners then reported the same menacing meowers politely purchasing cat treats with money the fleeing humans had left behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“These cat burglars are just being really\u2026 catty,” stated Governor Phil Scott. We here at The Winooski<\/em> have discovered that Scott’s people are in talks with some play producers in The Big Apple. “We hope to get these kitties out-of-state by enticing them to audition for a new production of the musical Cats in NYC,” he explained. “After seeing the movie trailer, it’s become clear that actual screaming cats would be more enticing.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"