Exxon Mobil To Start Selling Artisanal Gasoline at Farmers’ Markets

BURLINGTON – America’s largest oil and gas company will be coming to a farmers’ market near you this summer, as Exxon Mobil rolls out a new line of small-batch artisanal gasoline products aimed at enticing a new market into sampling their products. In the face of declining revenue streams in states like Vermont, which has a heavy bicycle presence and ubiquitous no-idling laws, the company hopes to appeal to locals in a setting that they hope will garner them a more receptive welcome.

The new artisanal motor fuels are extracted from unadulterated crude, aged over 60 million years.  Experienced gas enthusiasts have noted subtle megalodonic undertones with a strong kelpy finish.  Others gush over the delicate rosy sheen. Some Vermonters who are snapping up the fuel don’t even own cars, noting that they just prefer purchasing small-batch artisanal goods, no matter what they are. “Oh, is that what this is?” commented a local man who had just purchased several gallons. “I didn’t read the whole label. Honestly, they had me at ‘small-batch artisinal.'”

Exxon Mobil’s new products will be available at the Burlington Farmers’ Market and at other select farmers’ markets this summer in fashionable, high-density plastic decanters.

Image Credits: Church Street Marketplace.