Jane Sanders Looks to Bankrupt More Colleges to Boost Bernie’s Presidential Qualifications

BURLINGTON – Jane Sanders, wife of Vermont Senator and former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, still believes deeply that her husband will become President one day.  “When Bernie is finally in the Oval Office, I want to be a useful asset to him, not just as First Lady, but as a trusted adviser as well.” Jane told The Winooski in a recent interview. “And to that end, I want to make sure I am bringing the sort of valuable experience and knowledge a President needs to have access to.  Therefore, I intend to run another four to five colleges and bankrupt each one of them.”
While it is an impressive accomplishment in itself to have bankrupted Burlington College, Sanders is unwilling to rest on her laurels.  Sanders explained, “Look, I learned a lot from putting Burlington College into a terminal debt spiral, it was great experience, but its nothing compared to the Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Castle, Trump Plaza, or Trump Entertainment Resorts.  If Bernie doesn’t have someone to rely on with the insight that can only come from tanking business after business, I feel like I’m letting him down.”
Sanders has said she is willing to serve in both private and public higher education institutions, bringing financial ruin to either.  While shutting the doors on half a dozen universities is a laudable goal, even if Sanders achieves it she would still be far behind the level of experience held by the incumbent President. Sanders claims she has already lined up a large group of major donors for whatever university she runs next but was unable to produce any verification. Thus far Mrs. Sanders has fielded employment offers from Penn State, Baylor, Johns Hopkins, and Trump University.