Jared Kushner Purchases Burlington Telecom, Immediately Files For Bankruptcy

BURLINGTON – Following the sudden exits of other potential bidders, the Burlington City Council has made the decision to sell Burlington Telecom to real estate investor Jared Kushner for $38M. Kushner, who is the son-in-law of the president of the United States, visited Vermont in August and met secretly with council members during his trip.

Once the papers were signed on the deal, Kushner brought out a separate set of paperwork from second briefcase that he had been carrying and quickly filed for bankruptcy, both on behalf of Burlington Telecom and on behalf of his investment business that had just made the purchase of the utility. Once the bankruptcy goes through, it would mean that Kushner will not have to pay the city of Burlington the remaining $37M that was promised, aside from the one million dollar deposit that was paid initially. The new plan would also include laying off 90% of  BTC employees and shutting down services for a time during a restructuring period.

“I’m really excited,” Kushner told the press. “I’ve learned a lot over the past few years, and I know that not paying for things you use is very smart. This was just perfect timing for me, really. With all of that debt out of the way, I think I can turn Burlington Telecom into something truly profitable. Probably not providing phone, cable, and internet services, but there’s definitely something we can do with it all. I think the people of Vermont are going to be thrilled when they see what I eventually come up with.”

As a result of the deal, the city of Burlington is considering raising their tax rate to 75% to cover the high cost of the defaulted deal. When asked how the residents of the city were going to cope with this oppressive tax burden, Kushner replied, “They should have been smart, like me. And it’s not my fault the government is taking all of your money.”

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