USDA Threatens to Pulls Funding From Vermont Over Animal Sanctuaries

WASHINGTON – In a strongly worded letter sent to the state of Vermont and to several towns including East Burke, Springfield, and Woodstock, the United States Department of Agriculture has threatened to pull all federal funding from the state over its policies on animal sanctuaries.

Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue said in the letter that the Trump administration intends to crack down on so-called “animal sanctuary cities,” which are places around the country that are designed to rescue and protect injured or abandoned animals. The letter was sent to cities in 17 states, and raised questions about why animals deserved so much protection.

“Are animals people?” asked Perdue at a press conference regarding the letters. “No, they are not. And if we don’t even care about people being safe and protected, why the hell should we care about animals? It’s a waste of taxpayers’ money, and I just can’t support any state or city that is protecting animals. Also, I can’t be seen taking a soft stance on chickens. I am not associated with those chicken people. I know, I can see it in your eyes, you don’t believe me. Well, look it up. Go on your googlypedia [sic]. I hate chickens.”

John Pastore, who founded Mountain View Farm Animal Sanctuary in 2003, was shocked to receive the letter from Perdue. “What business is it of his if I want to shelter some animals? How does that affect him? These animals are not dangerous, they just don’t have a home. It took all they had just to make it here, and now he wants me to turn them away? I don’t think so. That’s government overreach. I’m a peaceful man, but I’ve got a few 2nd amendment friends I’m going to invite over here if the feds want to take my chickens away, you know what I’m saying?”

Turtle Hill Farm Animal Sanctuary also received a letter, which they said they are planning to ignore, saying they assume anything coming from the federal government these days is fake news.