Vermont Decriminalizes Speeding

MONTPELIER – After Lt. John Flannigan, commander of the state police’s safety programs, reported a large rise in the number of speeding violations, citations, and injuries, the state of Vermont has made the decision to remove all speed limits from its roads and highways. This controversial move was met with great approval from most Vermonters, who are tired of the government telling people what they can and cannot do.

“There are several reasons for this move,” said Governor Phil Scott. “First and foremost, the laws don’t work. People don’t follow them. Why have laws if people don’t obey them? What’s the point? And if we continue to criminalize speeding, then only criminals will be able to drive fast, which will be a problem for everyone. Take a look at the Constitution. Does the Constitution of The United States of America say anything about speeding? I think you will find it does not. They had some fast horses in those days, and nowhere does the document our country was founded on mention restricting the speed of those mammalian vehicles.”

The governor went on to point out that speed restrictions are a slippery slope, with each mile per hour decrease adding additional safety.

“Sure, we could say 65 instead of 75, but why not say 55? Isn’t that safer? And 45 safer still? How about 20? 10? You know what would be safest? Not moving at all. But I think you can hear how absurd that sounds. And there are states that have lowered their speed limits, and the funny thing is, those states still have accidents and traffic fatalities.”

Gov. Scott said that it was clear to him that people of Vermont want to drive very fast, and that he was elected to serve the people of Vermont. He said he was confident that the voters would support him on this. He also advised drivers who were worried about cars coming at them very quickly to just drive faster so as to get away. “The only way to stop a bad driver from being a speeder,” he said, “is for the good drivers to go even faster.”

Lt. Flannigan could not be reached for comment.

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