Donald Trump Performs Entirely Satirical State of the Union Address

WASHINGTON, DC – The nation was treated to an exceptional performance of political satire on Tuesday evening by U.S. President Donald Trump, who used his platform to make hilarious jokes, exaggerated points, and lies with enough truth in them to really make you think. The brilliance of his performance was misunderstood by a large number of Americans, many of whom had expected a more traditional State of the Union address, and they took to the internet with their concerns.

“Yeah, I heard Politifact crashed last night,” Trump said on Wednesday morning, “which is hilarious, because nothing I said was actually true. But people just weren’t sure, because they’re so dumb. I’m still laughing about it this morning. People just don’t get satire sometimes.”

When asked why he chose to use his platform for satire, Trump said that it only made sense to do satire for the “State of the Onion” address. When challenged on this point, Trump replied, “Look, I know how to read. I love the alphabet. I’m the best at the alphabet, believe me. You ever hear of a little letter called the letter ‘u’? What sound does the letter ‘u’ make? ‘Uh.’ Exactly. Uh-nion. State of the Onion. I know what The Onion is. I knew my job last night was to take a kernel of truth, stretch it to its extreme breaking point as a way of highlighting its absurdity, and then leave people with something to think about. And I did that. In fact, I did that better than the actual Onion. They should hire me. I wouldn’t do it, because I’m too busy, but they should try to hire me. I might do it. They’ll probably call me this afternoon. We’ll see if I do it.”

Trump said his favorite jokes of the evening were that the U.S. is now an energy exporter (the U.S. still imports energy and is net negative in the energy market), that hundreds and hundreds of released terrorists were re-attacking us (there are a few, but the one he mentioned, al-Baghdadi, was released by the Iraqis), and that wages were rising (they began to rise during the Obama presidency, continued to rise during the first part of Trump’s presidency, and have now taken a nose-dive). The president said that he told those jokes to get people to take a closer look at clean energy, the economy, and global terrorism, and he hopes that nobody took anything he said too seriously.

“I mean, come on,” Trump said, “beautiful clean coal? I’m a laugh riot!”