Patriots Lose 41-33 After St. Albans Man Sits on Different Couch Cushion

ST. ALBANS – The New England Patriots suffered a devastating loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday night after a local fan failed to sit on his lucky couch cushion. St. Albans resident Stewart Tidson has a very complex game ritual that is responsible for most of the Patriots prior victories but, as football fans know, one wrong move can cost you the game.

“It was horrible; I can’t even go into work this morning,” Tidson said. “Everything was going okay. I had my Pats gear on, my old socks from college with the holes in them, my hat on backwards at a 47 degree angle, my wedding ring moved to my other hand. I walked around the house six times, sneezed, I hadn’t used the word ‘win’ the entire day. The place was set up with my grandma’s dip, the shrimp, the beer, the Crystal Pepsi, which is super hard to find these days, you gotta go to eBay and stuff, but we were set. And then I went to go sit in my lucky spot, where I always sit, and the cushion was friggin’ gone! Just gone! I moved the other cushion over to that spot and tried to sit there, but it wasn’t right. I knew it wasn’t right. I could just tell right then that we weren’t going to win this one.”

Tidson’s wife explained that their dog Brady had gotten into some of the shrimp and then vomited all over the cushion in question. She had taken the cover off and thrown it into the washing machine while the cushion’s foam innards sat nearby.

“I’m trying hard not to blame her,” Tidson said,”but I woulda sat in the puke. She knows that. She totally knows that.”

Mrs. Tidson did confirm in a follow-up interview that she totally knows that.

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1 Comment

  1. In an unrelated story, Mrs. Tidson was seen in a parking lot of the shop here market screaming at a man who allegedly dinged her brand new car when he carelessly opened his door scratching the Philadelphia Eagles logo that was applied Monday at J♤♡◇♧J Auto detailing, You’all know the one where the bookies play cards in the poker room out back.

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