Festival For Expectant Mothers Cancelled After Passage of New Gun Laws

WOODSTOCK – A Vermont festival planned for August has cancelled its event and is currently looking for alternative venues in other states. “Baby Bump Stock” has held festival weekends in Woodstock, VT for almost a dozen years, but now organizers say they no longer feel welcome.

“It was a slap in the face,” said festival chairwoman Asgardia Raindrop. “We’ve been coming to Vermont for years, and we always felt it was a place that would welcome a holistic, nudist, energy-based, herb-friendly birthing retreat, but now the governor is going to ban Bumpstock? I don’t get it. Like, what did we ever do to him? F***ing patriarchy, man.”

Raindrop refused a call from the governor, saying that she didn’t “need to be mansplained to” about the situation, and has pledged to bring the festival’s resources and convention dollars to New Hampshire instead. The governor’s office released a statement that indicated there may be a miscommunication involved, but was not interested in meeting with Raindrop. Both sides are digging in their heels and refusing to meet with the other.

“This is what we’re talking about, people!” shouted a lone man standing outside the statehouse holding a sign that read ‘Do My Hands Looks Cold and Dead?’ “If this bill gets signed, the state I grew up in will lose money, lose jobs, and lose its identity. Freakin’ hippies are ruining everything.” He continued to shout angrily about hippies for another thirty minutes, repeatedly mentioning his support for Raindrop and the Baby Bump Stock festival, until he finally left to look for some gloves because his hands were cold.

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