First Night Burlington Rebrands as “Binge Drinking and Vandalism Night”

BURLINGTON – Chittenden County residents were shocked and saddened this week when First Night Burlington, the family-friendly New Year’s Eve celebration of creative arts, announced it was out of money and would not be holding a festival this coming December 31st. But although the traditional celebration may be finished after 35 years, an alternative celebration has been proposed. Dubbed “First Night 2: Second Night,” this rebranded festival plans to offer late night fun on the cheap.

“We had about $400 left,” said Board Chairman David Mount. “What can you do with that kind of money? Not a lot, but we were able to print out about a thousand posters with our new name, and we’ll hang them up all over the Champlain Valley starting the week after Thanksgiving. I think First Night 2: Second Night is going to be very popular. For one thing, it’s free. I mean, it’s BYOB, obviously, but other than that it’s not going to cost anyone anything.”

“Respectfully disagree,” said Burlington Police Chief Brandon del Pozo. Officials have expressed concerns about the posters, which tout activities such as ‘Binge Drinking,’ ‘Vandalism,’ and ‘Making Out With Strangers.’ “I think everyone is a little concerned about public safety and cost. Look at this poster, see, right here, it says under activities, ‘DIY Fireworks.’ We had enough trouble with fire safety at the old fireworks. I just don’t see this ending well.”

When asked whether this new iteration would be family friendly, Mount said only, “I guess that depends on how friendly your family is,” and then offered our reporter the remaining half of his Heady Topper before cackling loudly, slowly walking into a closet, and closing the door. We received no response to any further questions.

First Night 2: Second Night will take place all over Burlington on December 31st, 2018 beginning at around noon and ending when everyone has passed out.