Burlington Elks Club Invites Turkeys to Dinner, Then Murders and Eats Them

BURLINGTON – In a disturbing and gruesome breaking story, The Winooski has learned that the Elks Club in Burlington invited some local free-range turkeys to speak at an event this week, and then killed the guests and served them as the main course. Only one turkey, named Kara, managed to escape and is now sharing the details of what occurred.

“I’m still having a hard time processing this,” Kara said, smoothing out her feathers. “We were contacted by the Elks to attend a special dinner in our honor thanks to our service to the community. Several of us have been very vocal in the vegan movement, and also education about the environmental impact of eating meat. So the Elks get hold of us and ask if we’d like to come speak at this event, a dinner where people would be invited to help serve in our mission. You’ve probably seen the posters around town. ‘Elks Club: Serving Turkey Dinner.’ They were everywhere. And we were excited to go.

Well a few of us arrived a little early and we were hanging around out back where it was a little quieter to go over our speeches, and then this guy comes out, asks us if we’re the turkeys for the event, and we say yes, and he just starts murdering us! He grabbed some and snapped their necks, others he got with his knife. A bunch of us started to run, and he had a gun somehow and started shooting, picking us off one by one. I was the only one who got away. I came back a few hours later with the police, but by then it was too late. I looked in the windows, and there were my friends, cooked up and being eaten by the other guests!”

Randy Corey, who holds the highest position at the Elks Club, said “Of course we apologize for the mix-up. It’s especially embarrassing considering our other recent faux pas. But the chef had no idea that those were the turkeys scheduled to speak. We do not hate all turkeys, but you have to admit that most of them do taste delicious. Not all turkeys, but you can see why there could have been confusion. We are going to have a training for our members one afternoon next month to try and educate them on this incident, and to try to prevent the consumption of future guest speakers.”