MONTPELIER – Vermont, in an effort to Make Itself Great Again, has closed its borders. No, not the one to Canada. “Those guys are great” says Governor Scott, “Canadians are lovely. Fine folks, we’re glad to have ‘em. It’s all those Flatlanders we’re worried about.” As of Tuesday, Vermont has closed its New York, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts borders.
Worried about uncontrolled immigration from “less desirable” states, Vermont is cracking down on who they let in to their wonderful state. “We can’t just have open borders. That’s impossible. Think of who could come in!” said a concerned-looking Gov. Scott as he bear-hugged a Vermont flag. Slightly calmer, he continued, “When other states send their people, they’re not sending their best…They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
“We’ve noticed that people want to live with their families, which is RIDICULOUS. No more chain migration. If your relatives were lucky enough to negotiate our labyrinthine immigration and naturalization bureaucracy, you’re not going to be able to follow them to Vermont to be a drain on our economy. You’re just going to have to stay in your garbage [actual word redacted] state.”
Some are growing increasingly alarmed at the behavior of VBP (Vermont Border Patrol) and MICE (Maple Immigration and Customs Enforcement)—slashing and destroying supply caches for desperate migrants from Maryland and Nebraska traveling across the frigid Vermont terrain. “We’ve seen jackets slashed to shreds, and mittens painstakingly unraveled—we’ve got video footage of VBP officers destroying caches and leaving thousands of yards of yarn tangled in sugarbushes.” said Hanna Renaud, Executive Director of “Open Vermont” the non-profit responsible for the majority of these humanitarian “cozy drops.”
Vermont, which used to have a lottery system for citizenship, is replacing that lottery with a “merit-based” system. “We’re looking for people with the skills we need to Make Vermont Great Again. If your application has the word “Artisan” somewhere in it, you’re practically guaranteed a spot in our Great State.”
Asked about economic and war refugees from other countries, Gov. Scott looked surprised, “What? Oh, of course we’d let those people in. We’re not monsters.”