MONTPELIER – In a shocking move that surprised even his inner circle, Vermont Governor Phil Scott has dropped out of the gubernatorial race and has endorsed Ethan Sonneborn, a 14-year-old from Bristol who recently completed the eighth grade. Gov. Scott made this announcement during the groundbreaking ceremony for the new Caledonia Spirits distillery in Montpelier on Thursday afternoon.
“Over the last 14 years, Vermont has seen a number of these distilleries grow,” Gov. Scott said to press at the event, “from a mere three, to, now we have 28. Vermont’s economy is booming, I’ve been very successful as governor, which is why I want to take this moment to announce that I am withdrawing from the primary race and am officially endorsing Ethan Sonneborn for governor of the great state of Vermont.”
“I have done everything I ever hoped to do, I have vetoed more bills than I ever could have imagined, and it’s time for fresh blood to take charge. Very fresh blood. I think we can all agree that the most important thing right now is to prevent Keith Stern from becoming Governor. If he were to win the election in November he would sign many of the bills that I have vetoed, he would reverse all of the good I have done, and he has almost no experience. Stern has said over and over again that his lack of experience is a positive feature. Well, you know who has less experience? Ethan Sonneborn. He doesn’t even have much life experience! That’s something that I think we can all get behind.”
Reporters burst into the heavy silence following the governor’s announcement with a flurry of questions, many concerning his PAC that has raised over $1M for his re-election campaign. There were also some left wondering if this had anything to do with Ben Mitchell’s recent surprise drop-out of the race for the U.S. House.
“To be clear, we have not spent a million dollars, we raised a millions dollars, which is very different,” the governor said. “We’ve still got about 850 thousand left, some of which will go to finance my new hemp farm, and the rest we will probably donate to Sonneborn’s campaign. I have no doubt that a rising ninth grader is well-equipped to spend over half a million dollars responsibly. He has my full confidence and support. And no, this has nothing to do with Mitchell dropping out of the House race and endorsing Dan Freilich. In other, completely unrelated news, I would also like to take this moment to announce my candidacy for the U.S. House of Representatives.”
More as this story develops.
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