SHELDON – Looking to Vermont’s electoral primary on Tuesday, August 14, a local cow juice producer sees an opportunity to boost sagging sales and promote brand recognition. Second Dairy’s director of bovine management, Ima Steer said her farm, located in Sheldon, VT, would be launching an aggressive social media marketing campaign on that day. “We have slogans like: ‘Milk It: Remember Second Dairy on Your Way Home from the Polls!’ and ‘Make Second Dairy Your Primary Dairy!'”
Steer says they also plan to unveil their newest innovation at select polling sites in Franklin and Chittenden counties. The company has developed Holstein Freezing Technology, using genetic engineering to breed easily thaw-able calves the size of milk jugs. Cy Entes, Second Dairy’s Chief Innovator explains: “Hate it when your milk goes bad? Get the best raw milk with Holstein Freezing. The sooner it comes from the cow the fresher the stuff is, so we developed these little lactating cows you can freeze and unfreeze with no harm to the animals. Basically, we shrunk ol’ Bessy to the size of a bread loaf. A few seconds in the microwave awakens the bovine from her cryogenic freeze. When she’s thawed, you basically grab an udder and milk her into your mug. Best stuff I ever tasted. Frozen is even fresher than fresh! And when you’re done, pop her back in the freezer.”
While some share Entes’ excitement about the new technology, others are giving it a far chillier reception. Anne E. Mal, a lawyer for Beau and Vines Attorneys at Law, voiced legal concerns about the freezable cows. “They’re more than just udders,” she uttered, “these are living beings!”
Nat Turrell, an angry Burlingtonian, says his concerns are only about keeping Vermont’s milk supply pure and organic. “These GMOOs are bred in labs. There’s nothing raw about milk from a synthetic cow!”
As protests mount, President Charlene “Skunk” Bedard of South Canada has offered a potential solution if the legality of the new technology is called into question. “If Vermonters don’t like Second Dairy’s practices, the farm can relocate to our country.” In anticipation of the move, South Canadians have already imported a structure from Barnstable, MA, to house corporate headquarters, staffers, and animals.
No matter who wins the primaries next week, it seems that Second Dairy is here to stay.