Task Force Proposes Moving Church Street to “Whiter Area of Burlington”

BURLINGTON – A task force commissioned by the city of Burlington to give recommendations on the controversial Church Street mural has come up with what they feel is the only answer to the problem: Church Street should move. The mural, “Everybody Loves a Parade,” has been criticized for whitewashing history with its depiction of predominantly anglo-saxon-ish Vermonters, which many view as inherently racist, as Vermont has always been one of the most racially diverse states in the union with very few white people counting themselves as residents.

“This is not a true history of our state!” shouted one protester at a recent anti-mural rally. “There should be far more murder and genocide depicted on this colorful, family-friendly mural! Stop brainwashing our kids!”

After months of deliberation, the task force has come to the conclusion that the mural is appropriate for Church Street, but that Church Street itself is no longer appropriate for the downtown area. In its findings, the task force cited ‘increased downtown diversity, general unaffordability of life, and snootiness of marketplace aura’ as major factors in its recommendation to move Church Street to the hill section of Burlington.

“What has happened,” said one member of the task force who wishes to remain anonymous, “is that the divide between the people who can afford to shop on Church Street and the people who live near and enjoy hanging out on Church Street has only increased over the past decade, making the downtown area a terribly inappropriate spot to have such a marketplace. Once the street has been moved to a whiter area of Burlington, and by that I mean richer, obviously, I think the complaints about the mural will stop, and a better flow of life in general will be achieved for everyone.”

Burlington Mayor Miro Weinberger seemed amenable to the plan, noting that he was happy to have Church Street in the neighborhood, as long as it was not directly in his backyard.

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