Late Wednesday evening, human Burlingtonian and fan of The Winooski Ethel Merman discovered a notice scrawled on a piece of driftwood from our heretofore unknown ichthyoid allies. The missive reads:
From the desk of Undine Waters, Elected Ruler of Champlainia Merstate
To the esteemed editors of the finest local publication in existence, or whomever finds this first:
As more and more marginalized groups demand recognition, we Champlainians would like to clear up a few things.
- Merpeople have dwelt in Lake Champlain for thousands of years and plan on continuing to do so, barring any human stupidity interference.
- We are sentient beings capable of thought, self-reflection, awareness of our mortality, recognition of ourselves in reflective surfaces, and we fit into all ridiculous criteria used by humanity; past, present, and future; in laughable attempts by homo sapiens to consider themselves better than any other species.
- We do NOT look like sexy half-human finned creatures. Face it, humans: we’d probably terrify you. We have huge neck gills, webbed hands, and whale baleen instead of teeth. We have little hair, lots of scales, and many fins. We change color to blend in with our habitats. In other words, much sexier than disgusting, dried-out humans.
- Our vocalizations are often mistaken for those of loons.
- We are predators. If your body part/pet/child becomes food, we apologize for the error. We do not hunt humans, as we are well aware that you tend to eradicate anything you perceive as a threat.
- Whether or not you are saved from drowning by one of us reflects the personality of each Champlanian, not merpeople as a race.
- We do not hide/find/locate undersea treasure for humans.
- We do not find humans sexually attractive. Consequently, we will not kidnap humans for breeding purposes. There are websites for that sort of thing, but it is not the norm.
- Note to the scientifically curious: if you catch merpeople with the intent to observe us and/or put us display, you will find yourself a living a specimen in the Champlanian Aquarium. Simply put, if you pursue us, we will pursue you.
- In the rare event that we allow ourselves to be sighted by humans, please refrain from vocalization. Your shrill cries hurt our ears.
- Following dispatches will include: formal requests to be listed as a protected species, official acknowledgment that we own Lake Champlain and its beaches, and contacts with wheelchair vendors as we investigate efficient methods of land travel.
- Finally, Champ does NOT exist. Any sightings/photographs/audio of this supposed creature were made by merpeople. So leave him alone!
Image Credits: LunchboxLarry.