SHELDON – Taking a cue from their seal counterparts in New Zealand Wednesday, two of the Jeezum Crows who trapped Raven Goh in a Sheldon Maplefields announced that they have achieved revenge by successfully slapping the 16-year-old wheelchair user across the face with night crawlers.
Siblings Byrd and Wren Blackwell, took time off from their jobs as security for Vermobsters to describe the incident. “We were pretty pissed when the Airborne Stinkers assailed us, and the girl got out of the store unscathed. Humans can’t get the better of us. It really stunk when we were disoriented by the high flying skunks,” Byrd confided exclusively to The Winooski.
“So we decided to teach her a lesson,” continued Wren. “Raven wheels out of DollarDump wearing a genuine feather boa and a smirk, and I turned to my sibling and said, ‘Let’s worm-whip her.’ So we pulled up some squirmers and hit her across the face. It was sweet vengeance.”
Despite repeated requests by our reporter, the earthworms, Lo and Little Lee, refused to comment. Their lawyer, Anne E. Mal of Beau and Vines, cites “trauma” as the reason for her clients’ silence. “The Lees couldn’t worm their way out of this disaster,” she explains.
The victim of the attack remains remarkably upbeat in the aftermath. “If I can handle crow poop, I can definitely handle worms. The Lees are the true survivors of this crime.” Goh stated.
State ornithologist Robin Redd declined to speculate on whether this act of avian aggression will affect the corvids’ relationship with the State, saying she had to fly to a meeting with Vermobsters’ head honcho, Erna Buck.
If any little birds tell The Winooski any more details about this situation, we will let readers know!
Leave a Reply