Vermonters More Open to F-35 Program After Finding Out Planes Don’t Actually Fly

SOUTH BURLINGTON – The plan to base military F-35 jets in Chittenden County has faced strong opposition from nearly every quarter, except from those involved in making the final decision, but the planes may be gaining some traction amongst local residents now that it has come out that the aircraft don’t actual take off. Many of the concerns were based around the damaging noise levels, the crashes and fires, and the general devastation it would wreak on the community, but with the planes only being used for decoration, most of  those fears have been alleviated.

“Oh man, do I feel silly now,” said James Leas, a local advocate who has worked tirelessly to prevent the stationing of the F-35 jets in South Burlington. “I did all this research on the limits of human hearing, child develeopment, legel precendent, local opinion, I mean, I worked my butt off trying to let people know what these things were going to do to us. But all of my positions were based on an assumption that the planes were going to function as planes. After more study, I have found that the F-35s are much quieter on the ground when they don’t take off, land, start their engines, or move in any way. I have to withdraw my opposition. Provided no one ever uses them, I’m totally fine with the jets coming to Vermont.”

Vermont National Guard officials apologized for the confusion, saying that they “should have made it more clear that the jets were never going to actually work.” Now that Vermonters realize that this program is just business as usual, with the government creating jobs by throwing billions of dollars away on fancy toys that are less functional than the box they came in, they feel much more relaxed about the situation and are ready to move forward on approving the military sculptures.

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