President Changes Position on Non-Consensual Physical Contact

WASHIGNTON DC – In a stunning reversal of his previous position, US President Donald Trump has announced that he no longer believes men should be able to touch women without their permission. President Trump has gone so far as to ban a man from the White House who, although never did touch a woman roughly, was thought to have considered it strongly.

“It was a terrible situation guys, really terrible,” Trump told an empty room after permanently banishing all reporters from the White House. “I was standing right there, and I couldn’t do anything about it. The look on her face, so uncomfortable, like she was being made to do something she didn’t want to do. I’ll never forget it.”

The incident in question happened when a White House intern was directed to retrieve a microphone from reporter Jim Acosta. The intern denies that Acosta touched her in any way, although did confirm that she was very uncomfortable at being ordered to violate the first amendement.

Although video shows that Acosta did not touch the intern in question, a doctored video was later released showing, according to the White House, that Acosta “moved on her like a bitch,” as well as “just started chopping her, like a magnet, he didn’t even wait.”

“I know when you’re a reporter they just let you do it, you can do anything,” Trump said, “but not anymore. Not in my house. From now on I believe that anybody who can do a body slam is no longer my kind of guy. Starting today I am far more opposed to sexual assault, as well as regular assault, when it happens to people I like. I’ll probably sign an executive order about it or something.”

The empty room was then reminded how many electoral votes were received by various candidates in the 2016 election and then the President treated everyone present to lunch at McDonalds.

Image Credits: REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst.