Clinton, Sanders, Reportedly Hoping to Repeat Biggest Failures of Their Lives

WASHINGTON – Former Presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are both considering another failed run at the presidency in 2020. according to sources inside their organizations. Both candidates received massive amounts of support in 2016, but ultimately lost their bids in spectacularly public defeats as a sizeable minority chose Donald Trump to be our president.

“I’m not announcing anything at this time,” Sanders told crowds at a rally held in his home state of Vermont this week. “Although I do have to point out that I did not lose the nomination in 2016. I actually won, but Hillary and the Democrats cheated. If it weren’t for their interference I would be President right now. People all over this country are always telling me, ‘Bernie, you would’ve won,’ and they’re right. And now things are totally different. I assume.”

Studies show that things are pretty much exactly the same, except that the Democrats like Sanders even less now and would be even more likely to interfere with a potential future campaign.

Clinton echoed Sanders’ sentiments at an event she was speaking at earlier this week. “Technically I am the President,” she told her audience. “I actually won, but Trump and the Russians cheated. If it weren’t for their interference I would be President right now. I just didn’t realize that you could have foreign governments interfere with elections and nobody would care. I had assumed that there would be repercussions. That was my bad. But I am in talks with China for a huge attack on democracy the likes of which Trump and his cronies will never see coming. I feel very confident that a huge global conflict involving Russia, China, and the U.S. will generate a lot of jobs, and I will finally take my job back from Mr. Trump. Things are totally different now.”

President Trump responded to these reports by issuing an executive order that would allow him to jail any of his political opponents in 2020, colloquially known as the #lockherup order.

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