NORTH POLE – Federal authorities confirmed this week that they have raided a compound at the North Pole belonging to Kristopher Kringle, better known throughout the country as “Santa Claus.” After receiving an anonymous tip, agents were able to retrieve over 600 pounds of marijuana that Kringle had packed up and was allegedly going to deliver in just a few weeks to dozens of people in the state of Vermont.
The legal team representing Kringle is asserting that these were Christmas gifts, and that no financial transactions were involved. One of the many computers seized in the raid contained an extensive distribution database which showed the number of people “wishing” for the controlled substance, which is now legal to possess in small quantities in the green mountain state.
“This is all a misunderstanding,” Kringle said in a statement released by his attorneys. “Last year two of my elves were on their way to Vermont with some special gifts, but they were unfortunately stopped by authorities. This year I figured I’d just bring the completely legal gifts myself, overnight directly to people’s ho-ho-homes. When I find out who tipped off the feds, they’re going straight onto my naughty list.”
No arrests were made, but the federal government has expressed interest in building a giant sky wall to keep out any foreigners in sleighs, and has put it on their Christmas List in the hopes of getting Santa to pay for it. The proposed wall would, of course, be see-through so that people could see any drugs being thrown over the wall and down their chimneys.