MONTPELIER – The State of Vermont is on record as offering $10,000 to entrepreneurs from out of state who will move to work and live here. Governor Phil Scott, in a recent interview on Vermont Public Radio’s “Vermont Edition,” noted with concern that the state has lost 30,000 students over the past decade. With the population aging and the student enrollment decreasing, The Winooski has learned of a controversial program designed to simultaneously solve the financial concerns of the elderly and the state’s need for more children.
The program is called ‘Old Women Having Children.’ “We aren’t exactly pleased with the name,” said Andrea Wrinkle, senior researcher on the project. “We were hoping for something more creative with a better acronym, thinking we might even set up a ‘Naming Contest’ for middle schoolers throughout the state.”
“We see this as a viable way to solve two problems – income insecurity among our senior citizens, especially women, and the state’s need for more children,” said Matt Riven, deputy commissioner for the State Department of Finance and Management. “The greatest challenge we face,” said Riven, “is getting 70, 80, or 90 year old women to want to have babies. We think we can make it happen biologically, but getting over the emotional hurdle … well, that’s another matter.” The state is banking on that $10,000 entrepreneurial incentive to entice participants, allowing for a percentage of the allocated funds to be used for in-state women.
Noting significant ethical concerns, AARP has been working vigorously behind the scenes to shut the research down. “This is the stupidest idea since Mark Tigan proposed a dome over Winooski,” said Michael Fassat on condition of anonymity. “There have to be better ideas than this when it comes to financial security for seniors and our need for more children.”
The Winooski inquired about compensation if a woman had twins, would that entitle her to double the grant – $20,000 instead of $10,000. No one in the administration was willing to speculate.
If they want a name with a better acronym, how about “Geriatric Older Dowagers, Neonatal Obstetrics”? The comma is important.
Mac, you are now on my Christmas card list. I don’t actually have one, but I think you deserve some recognition for that brilliant acronym. Thank you.