State of Vermont Sued By Hackers Guild for Terrible Internet Speeds

MONTPELIER – In what will prove to be a precedent setting case, no matter the result, the Hackers Guild has filed a suit against the state of Vermont alleging that the internet speeds are too slow for them to conduct their business. The Hackers Guild is the official union organization for internet hackers and is under the umbrella of the larger Thieves Guild organization, along with the Scoundrels Guild, the Brute Squad, the Union of Organized Grifters, and the American Federation of Government Employees (White House branch only).

The lawsuit claims that the theft and sale of sensitive personal and professional information is nearly impossible in the state due to abysmal internet speeds or, in some areas of the state, no internet speeds at all. The guild is seeking damages of up to one billion dollars in lost revenue and up to fifty million dollars in costs associated with failed hacking attempts.

“We’re finding it nearly impossible to hack people’s accounts,” said Hackers Guild representative Boris Hackenov. “Our decryption software can take down almost any system in minutes, but our workers are sitting there for hours when they try to get into a computer in Vermont. We know it’s not us. The state is making it very difficult for us to do our jobs. I mean, look at the 2016 election. Vermont voted overwhelmingly for Clinton! We didn’t have these problems in other rural states, like Wisconsin or Michigan. And we think we are owed some compensation.”

The state responded to the suit, calling it “frivolous,” and “without merit.” A longer statement was posted on the state’s website, but our reporters couldn’t get it to load. We might try again when we get to work. Sometimes the internet is faster there. We’ll let you know.

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