VT Department of Health Encourages Unvaccinated Children to Eat Food Off Floors

BURLINGTON – As the number of unvaccinated children in the state grows due to religious beliefs that public health is unimportant and everyone else can go screw themselves, VT officials are recommending others ways to boost the immune system. Most children in the state are vaccinated, but pockets of non-vaccinated children are an increasing concern as measles outbreaks hit the country and children are literally dying thanks to stubborn and misinformed parents. Now the VTDoH is launching a new campaign called “The Five Second Rule is Totally Cool.”

This new campaign encourages children to eat food off of the floor, in the hopes that the small doses of germs and bacteria will strengthen the immune systems of the children with the paranoid parents. And health officials are quick to point out that five seconds is in no way a hard and fast limit.

“I think people culturally know about the five second rule,” said Dr. Mark Levine, Vermont’s Health Commissioner, “so we used it in our ad campaign, but ten seconds is fine, thirty seconds is fine, honestly, if you see food on the ground, go ahead and pop it in your mouth. There’s no time limit. We just figure the kinds of people who believe vaccines cause autism are the same kinds of people who believe in stuff like the five second rule.”

Levine’s previous campaign, “Be Wise – Immunize,” has had some limited success, but he is hoping for a huge response to the new initiative. Schools will be receiving posters for the fall, and many summer programs are already on board.

“This is a great message,” said Cam Pierce, director of Camp Hochalooghee in North Hero. “It’s really going to cut down on food waste and save us a ton on our food budget. From now on, everything dropped on the ground is fair game!”