Colchester to Rebrand as “Newer, Norther End”

COLCHESTER – The town of Colchester has given up on trying to step out of the shadow of Burlington and will embrace its suburb qualities as it launches a new awareness campaign aimed at local residents. As of last week, the word “Colchester” has been removed from all official media and materials, replaced with “The Newer, Norther End.”

Hoping to compete with Burlington’s New North End neighborhood, Colchester officials are looking to increase interest in local shops and businesses, raise the value of property and homes, and lure tourists to the town who might otherwise have stayed downtown. Burlington’s waterfront and Church Street Marketplace are nationally and internationally known attractions, despite being “no better than what we’ve got up here in the Newer Norther End” according to Town Manager Aaron Frank.

“Can we be Frank?” asked Frank. “I know I can. Heh. A little humor for your publication. Lord knows it could use it. But seriously folks, our marina is better than downtown’s, our bike path goes across the lake, we have better creemees, I mean, come on man, why aren’t people up here all the time? Well, I know why. Branding.”

According to Frank, the only reason anyone is settling in Burlington’s New North End is due to the exciting name. That area of Burlington was previously known as “The Gross Dead End,” which many say still applies.

“You really can’t get anywhere from up there,” says one New North End Resident. “When they say you can’t get there from here, they’re talking about us. There is literally no way to get anywhere without driving back through Burlington.”

“There’s one place you can go!” says Frank. “You thought your end was new and north? Well, don’t stop there, because we’ve got an even newer, norther end for you, and you’re going to love it!”

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1 Comment

  1. I tried operating a nightclub in Malletts Bay in the mid-90’s. Folks, unless you own a boat and store it in Malletts Bay, you have no reason to hang around in Mazzaland.

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