LYON – The US Women’s Soccer Team has lost the World Cup to the Netherlands, despite scoring the only two actual goals in the final match. Thanks to intense pressure from President Trump and other foreign governments, FIFA has moved to an electoral system of deciding the winners of matches. When goals are scored, appointed delegates are able to assign those goals to the team of their choice, with one bonus electoral goal reserved for a high ranking VIP.
In popular goals, the US Women’s soccer team handily defeated the Netherlands team 2-0, however neither of those goals ended up going to the US, and the extra goal was given to the Netherlands team by this year’s VIP delegate, Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte. The US team was furious over the outcome of the match, but conceded that there was nothing they could do since everything that happened was perfectly legal under current administration rules.
“I knew this would happen,” President Trump told nearby golfers on Sunday afternoon. “Only idiots try to score actual goals. Nobody cares how many votes you actually got, or how many times the ball went in the net. Smart people like winning, and winning has nothing to do with how talented you are. You gotta play the system, and when the system doesn’t work for you, you fix it. Like how I fixed the last election.”
The US team was encouraged to spend less time knowing how to play soccer, and more time BS-ing powerful people.