Jeffrey Epstein’s Top Client Dies in Mysterious Suicide Next Friday

NEW YORK CITY – In a shocking development, recently deceased prisoner Jeffrey Epstein’s former client, billionaire Les Wexler, has apparently committed suicide next Friday, despite no previous signs of depression or anxiety. Wexler had distanced himself from Epstein, although it is rumored that Wexler may have had information pertaining to Epstein’s alleged criminal sex empire. Wexler’s future suicide in a Manhattan hotel room follows several other Epstein-related suicides that are coming over the next several days.

“It’s too bad, but you know, Epstein was a great guy,” President Trump told crowds at a campaign rally in Atherton, California. “I’m sure his friends and employees are taking it hard and will continue to no longer have the desire to live.”

Epstein’s personal bodyguard also committed suicide tomorrow, while the Epstein family’s accountant hung himself next Thursday. All totaled, more than seven people close to Epstein will have killed themselves by the end of next week.

“It’s weird,” said former President Bill Clinton. “I barely knew the guy at all, ever, which is good, because anybody near him seems to be very, very depressed all of a sudden. Some people are even mentioning foul play. And you know, it might be, but it might be just a coincidence. It happens. I knew this one lady, Jessica Fletcher, and every week it seemed like someone close to her died in a suspicious way. It does happen.”

Authorities will not be looking into any of these deaths as suspicious, with the exception of one authority who died in a mysterious car accident next month, right before presenting any evidence to their superiors.