VT Addresses Booming Deer Population With Abstinence-Only Education for Fawns

BETHEL – In a compromise with the VT House, Governor Phil Scott has agreed to address the state’s rising deer population with a series of lectures and pamphlets aimed at fawns that will promote sexual abstinence. Previous methods of birth control, such as being killed by hunters, are no longer as effective as they once were, and the state is hoping this new program will show immediate results.

“I understand that’s it not easy. Sometimes, when you’re a fawn, you feel like you just gotta jibboo,” said newly appointed Phish and Wildlife Commissioner Trey Anastasio, “but we’re here to tell you that you don’t have to jibboo at all. That’s peer pressure talking.”

With their natural habitats shrinking and human predators getting lazier, the governor initially proposed a form of deer birth control on a percentage of the population, but the idea met with pushback from the Catholic Church. The new program was signed off on by the church, as well as the VT House, and is expected to be signed into law later this week.

“The buck stops here,” Gov. Scott said in a statement. “We’re going to do everything we can to make sure that these animals are happy and safe during the months that we are not shooting them.”