BURLINGTON – With the Federal government defanging the laws that protect endangered species across the US, local feline enthusiast and philanthropist Kitty Katz has a plan to reintroduce cougars or catamounts back into the state. “We need these predators. After all a catamount is the mascot of the University of Vermont.”
Intrepid Groovy UV journalist Cathy Bane feared Katz’ mention of her school and the wild animals in the same sentence may not be accidental. “All I could picture was cougars stalking around snacking on first-years. The only catamounts we need are Rally our college mascot and that statue of the beast near Royal Tyler Theater. I don’t want a repeat of what Kitty brought last time.” When pressed for information about ‘last time,’ the student remained silent.
Bane’s fellow reporter Noah Newe provided key information about ‘last time’ exclusively to The Winooski, “I think Bane has a cat phobia. Last time she freaked out about Kitty’s scheme to bring kittens to the school so everyone could decompress from mid-terms by playing with the fuzzballs. Well, Bane started screaming at the sight of the animals, and her shrieking was contagious. All the yelling freaked out the cats so the calm people couldn’t pet them. To compensate for the lack of cats, they gave us wailing students Hello Kitty school supplies better suited for little kids.”
Using our journalistic discretion, we here at The Winooski decided not to mention the irony of the pink pen behind Newe’s ear topped with said popular Japanese feline. Nonetheless, as our paper is known for it’s hard-hitting exposes, we wanted to reveal something bigger than a respectable college reporter using ridiculous-looking writing implements.
Sensing a conspiracy theory, we tracked down Cat Bane at the UVM Medical Center Psychiatric Facility, to which she’d committed herself to recuperate from a nervous breakdown that had rendered her mute. When questioned, Bane refused to even write down answers, instead proffering documents in a trembling hand.
The information was print-outs of an email exchange between Kitty Katz and a sleazy big-game operation known as Cat Nip. One read, “Yes, Ms. Katz, we can supply you with a breeding pair to roam UVM campus to bolster school spirit. So what if the cats nip a few students? That just means a few less flatlanders infesting your state, and I get these cougars with insatiable appetites to stop eating my prey supply used by trophy hunters. It’s a win-win.”
A plot to get ferocious felines feasting on Flatlanders?! Bane’s fear was well-founded. This reporter fainted, spilling papers on the floor of the psych ward. The news must be told, even if a reporter is in a psychiatric hospital with a severe concussion sharing a room with Bane because the regular hospitals are at capacity.
The cat-astrophe has been averted. At press time, Bane remains mute, and Cat Nip is shuttered.
What a stupid idea. If Cat Nip provides out-of-state catamounts, or “flatamounts,” they will bond with the flatlander students and view the in-staters as an invasive species which must be eradicated. I think a concussion is not the reason you’re in the psych ward.