MONTPELIER – Although sociologists are already calling the children of Millennials “Generation Alpha,” the “iGeneration,” or “digital natives,” Vermont Millennials see this as an opportunity to make the Green Mountain State stand out from the other 49. State ethnographer Suzie Ology, mother of four children of this new generation, explained, “The Vermont Departments of Human Services and Tourism decided, in a late-night meeting fueled with cannabis laden edibles, to call kids born between 2010 and 2025 “Generation V.”
“Because, like, the V stands for Vermont, you know?” elucidated stoned meeting attendee Vern Monty.
In search of more in-depth analysis of this new moniker, we here at The Winooski sought out seventh-generation Vermonter Shad Uppe. “Yup. Callin’ the kids Gen V now. Hope it keeps out Flatlanders.” When pressed to link the renaming of a generation to stopping the influx of non-natives, Uppe merely shut his lips and shook his head.
Undeterred, we researched further. Towns whose names start with V, such as Victory, Vergennes, Vernon, and Vershire, have seen an alarming baby boom since the plan to rename the generation was unveiled nine months ago. “We’re seeing a lot of Valeries and Vinces,” notes Ology. Her own kids are named Vladimir, Velma, Vicky, and Venerable.
Shops have also cashed on the V frenzy. Veryvine Vapes and Vermont Valentines are two stores that have vroomed through inventory by specifically selling kid-themed products. While pursuing whether or not it was ethical and/or legal to sell vaping products to Generation V, this reporter became distracted to learn that Sotto Voce, leading provider of stringed instruments to young Vermonters, can barely keep up with the demand for violins and violas. Vexed VYO director Velvet Vring worried, “Will we be able to get an instrument for each Gen V kid to play before concert season begins?”
In addition to Vring, we here at The Winooski found other disgruntled Vermonters who wished their kids could have been part of Generation C, to honor the state’s legendary cryptid, Champ. “It would have made so much sense,” said Millennial Samuel Dee, looking wistfully out at the lake with his child, 5-year-old Samuel Dee, Junior, perched on his shoulders.
Laconic Shad Uppe had the last words. “Digital natives? Betcha a dollar I can sniff out a digital flatlander. Them invaders smell like Vick’s Vapo Rub, an’ Gen V digital natives smell like Vermont pure maple syrup.”
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