The Winooski

The Winooski

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Month: September 2019

Local Climate Denier Breaks Down and Joins Climate Strike After Sweating a Little

September 20, 2019 The Winooski 0

BURLINGTON – Jacob Toose has always scoffed at the notion that the planet is warming at a dangerous level, despite 100% confirmation from all scientists […]

Pirates Hijack F-35s Before Burlington Arrival

September 19, 2019 The Winooski 0

SOUTH BURLINGTON – A group of sky pirates, possibly acting in conjunction with local protesters, has boarded and taken control of two F-35 fighter jets […]

Controversial Aunt Jemima Creemees No Longer Available

September 18, 2019 The Winooski 0

RICHMOND – Jim Eyma, owner of “The Steemee Creemee” in Richmond, will no longer be making his controversial “Aunt Jemima Creemees.” The flavor, which he […]

Trump Announces Vigorous Defense of Saudi Arabia, “They were with us after 9/11, in fact a number of them were on the planes”

September 17, 2019 The Winooski 1

WASHINGTON – President Trump announced this week that he will bring to bear all of the military might the US can muster to support Saudi […]

Vermont Prepares to Cash in On Autumn

September 16, 2019 Jill Allen 0

BURLINGTON – Several state organizations are hoping for windfalls of money as the season changes. In the event that climate change prevents Vermont from drawing […]

Syrup & Cows #119 – 9/15/19 – Remake

September 15, 2019 The Winooski 0

Due to Low Vaccination Rate, Vermont Sees Recent Spike in Disco Fever

September 14, 2019 The Winooski 2

ESSEX JUNCTION – Once thought to be completely eradicated, authorities are reporting six cases of Disco Fever in Essex Junction over the past month, the […]

Trump Pre-Blames Puerto Rico and the Bahamas For Future Storm Damage

September 13, 2019 The Winooski 0

WASHINGTON DC – As another tropical depression begins to develop into what may become Tropical Storm Humberto, US President Donald Trump has informed the islands […]

Vermont Lobbies to Call Youngest Children “Generation V”

September 12, 2019 Jill Allen 0

MONTPELIER – Although sociologists are already calling the children of Millennials “Generation Alpha,” the “iGeneration,” or “digital natives,” Vermont Millennials see this as an opportunity […]

State Approves Site For Vermont’s Second Landfill

September 11, 2019 The Winooski 1

BURLINGTON – The state of Vermont has been operating with only one landfill for decades. After officials moved to close local town dumps around 30 […]

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