WASHINGTON – As another day of impeachment hearings drew to a close in the D.C., Democrats called a surprise witness in one of the nation’s founding fathers. Former President George Washington took the stand in front of Congress and testified that, from his portraits in the White House, he had access to first-hand evidence that President Trump did indeed attempt to use his office for personal political gain.
“Honorable sirs, and, uhhh, madams?” stated the first president, “I did receive your summons on the seventeenth day of November, the year of our Lord two thousand and nineteen, and I forthwith committed my attendance to these august proceedings, the company of which I now stand thusly in the presence. This account I do now relate to thee, having received with mine own ears the perjuries and sundry felonies committed by one whom ought, in highest office, be upholding the public trust and common good.”
Washington spoke for several hours, slowly and opaquely recounting several conversations between President Trump and foreign leaders from Ukraine, Russia, China, and North Korea. Republicans did not dispute any of the facts, but rather moved to attack the character of the witness, questioning his patriotism and motives.
“I mean, come on, where has this guy been for the past couple hundred years?” asked Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH). “Leave it to the dems to bring in a guy who has literally done nothing to help America since 1799. Which begs the question, doesn’t it? Which country has he been helping? Who is he really working for? Can he even be trusted to have our nation’s best interests at heart? I just want to know where his loyalties lie. Doesn’t seem to me like America was every really a priority for this Never-Trumper. This is clearly about a personal dislike of the finest president we’ve ever seen. Honestly, I think it’s jealousy.”
A post-hearing poll revealed that 94% of Democrats and independents felt that George Washington was “very patriotic” or “somewhat patriotic,” compared with only 31% of Republicans. 60% of Republicans surveyed said that they had changed their views after the hearing and now found the man on the one-dollar bill either “not very patriotic” or “probably a foreign asset working against American from the beginning.”
When asked by reporters for comment on this latest development, President Trump, standing in front of the White House helicopter, shouted, “George who? Look, I barely know the guy. I’ve met him like maybe once, or twice. Don’t know him! Part of the Deep State! Sad!” When advised that Washington is a former President and founder of our country, Trump responded, “Democrat lie! I never heard of him! I never voted for him! Fake news, people! What were his TV ratings? Was he the Greatest President Ever?”