Pelosi Plans to Hold On to Articles of Impeachment Until Retirement or Death of Mitch McConnell

WASHINGTON – Temporary President (TP) Donald Trump was impeached by the House of Representatives yesterday, becoming only the third person in US history to attain this lofty goal. But removal from office may not happen anytime soon, as House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she will not send the articles to the Senate for a vote until Mitch McConnell is either retired or dead.

Senate Majority Leader McConnell is 77 years old, putting him just one year away from the average life expectancy in the United States, although with access to higher quality health care as his station affords him, he may live another ten to even twenty years. McConnell says he does not plan to retire in the near future, which could leave the articles sitting with Pelosi for decades.

“I’m not in a rush,” Pelosi told reporters after the historic vote, which saw every Republican vote no, and every Democrat vote yes, except for Rep. Tusli Gabbard (D-HI) who thought they were taking attendance. “He has been impeached. Now we need to make sure that conditions are favorable in the Senate for removal from office. If if happens next week, next year, or in ten years, we know it’s coming, and I think the President should be very concerned.”

TP Trump has already confirmed plans to run for a third and fourth term, stating that “I can do whatever I want, because laws and the Constitution don’t apply to me. I’m like a big exception. The biggest in history, really.” It’s unclear at this time if the articles will hold any weight in ten years, as there have been rumors of dissolving the senate and consolidating power under one imperial leader, but Pelosi says she’s not letting McConnell anywhere near the articles, no matter how long it takes.

“I think the people have lost trust in the government to do the right thing,” Pelosi said, “and I have to admit I don’t trust Mitch with this documents. He specifically said he would allow the White House to review them ahead of the vote, and I saw him holding a Sharpie. No, these papers are safer here with me until Mitch is struck down in an upcoming election.”

McConnell has already confirmed that, if struck down, he will become more powerful than we can possibly imagine. Pelosi has not responded to these claims.